Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!