i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.