me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope