Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.