I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
how to market bottled water to dads
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.