movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
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Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.