I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Strange
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what