If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa