[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )