[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible