Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….