Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
what are they serving at kfc then???
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.