8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I need better friends
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]