Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*checks Timeline*…
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.