I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Lmaoo 😂
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!