[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.