normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.