Found my door mat
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
giddy up Office Depot
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?