instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.