Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*