Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
#catsoftwitter
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.