if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Not recommended for beginners.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married