To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food