Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
#milo
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…