Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.