My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
You Might Also Like
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
But wait…
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
When I pack too much for a short trip.