My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
screw you
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc