My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War