[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Krampus.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.