A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.