ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
You Might Also Like
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Think I pulled my liver
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes