*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!