Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I did not eat the cake…
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work