Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”