”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.