Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
There is no “we” in pizza
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Don’t we all.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers