Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
NASA has no chill
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
what’s really going on