I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?