Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
this is uni
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.