Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.