“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked