Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.