Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.