*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.