All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
channeling her this year
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
So the ex texted me
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait