buys donuts instead
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..