BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
those birds must be on payroll
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.