Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
what the
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process