I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.