me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Ugh but profoundly
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos